Atheists
A bunch of "godless grinchs" Atheists adhere to a belief which mandates that they hate God and Jesus and babies and America and the Bible. All, if not most atheists will profess disbelief in God or claim they have a lack of belief in God. This is a lie since they must believe in God to hate Him so much. Atheists have been known to try to point out the intractability of gaining or having knowledge of God since God is a supernatural being and man can only have knowledge of that which exists within nature, not that which exists outside or transcends nature, i.e. a supernatural being. The atheist can use his forked tongue to put forth this argument and many others to try to sway non-atheists towards the cult of atheism. Since the atheist's arguments will most likely be based on logic and reason, they are easily dismissed because they come from the head and not from the gut. It should also be mentioned that faith will counteract any argument or point put forth by the atheist. This is because faith allows belief without proof or even belief when proof to the contrary is presented. Militant Atheists are a bunch of tacky immature twats who are easily recognizable by smell and by sight. An atheist will have a noticeable odor which accompanies his presence and may even precede his arrival. This odor includes, but is not limited to sulphur, rotting meat, patchouli and iniquity. An atheist will have the recognizable feature of lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya' he doesn't seem to be livin'...until he bites ya' and those black eyes roll over white and then..ahh and then you hear that terrible high pitched screamin' and despite all your hollerin' and poundin', they all come in and they rip you to pieces. A large portion of atheists are bears and those who are not bears have links to the Pro-Bear Lobby. Also, if you should correspond with an atheist, remember that the word "atheist" has many different spellings. For instance, common alternate spellings are "athesit," "aetheist," "athiest", "dumbass", and many others. Pretty much however you want to spell it because these people are going to Hell so you don't really need to put forth a lot of effort. Reasons why your an Atheist * You were molested by your daddy * Your ugly * Your fat * You routinely hug bears * You were beat up in high school * You have sex with children * Christmas "really burns you up" (Colbert recomends you think of this this as a preview of your afterlife.). * You love Stalin and Mao so much you'd sleep with them * You've been brainwashed by the Bear World Order * You have AIDS * You have sex with animals * You don't watch the Colbert Report * Your mom made you wear dresses as a child * You fear nativity scenes. http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/12/05/atheists.christmas/index.html * You eat feces * You can perform anilingus on yourself Atheism Refuted Atheists' ridiculous belief that we are the product of an infinite number of infinitely small, random quantum events is flawed and completely erroneous. Those of us who have searched our guts know that there must be a God; how else would you explain America? Zing! But for the sake of argument, let's assume that there is no God; If there was no God, then how did his son rise from the dead? We all know that science isn't creative enough to allow that, so it must mean that a divine being intervened; we call that divine being God. And that's not to be confused with the Jewish god, who is just as much a heathen as any atheist. Sub Categories Atheist is a word only used in terms of Christianity. Synonyms include communists, satanists, censoring shitbags, inherent losers, and terrorists. New terms need to be coined for crackpots who don't believe in other religions. These would include those who do not believe in Astrology, A Still Live Elvis, A Functioning Government in Thailand. Prayer To Save An Atheist Prayer for Atheists Bow your arrogant, liberal heads and keep your eyes closed because Jesus can see you peeking: Dear Lord; I know that I'm a worthless, worthless and a constant source of irritation to You. Thank You for not killing me today and flinging my limp corpse into the flames of the sadistic hell You created. As a True Christian™, I love You with all my heart, convenience permitting. And am only glad that Your nasty temper was not turned on me today. Lord Jesus, I know that Your love is unconditional--You ask is that I do everything that You demand and flatter You regularly without shame or regard to the mess You make of everything You try to create. Lord Jesus, even though You made some noise about giving away all our possessions away to the poor, please guide Our Republican party to affect that which You most desire: tax cuts for folks rich enough to tithe! In this I pray Your humble servant, oh, and Jesus, while I still have You, I really want me one of those Lexus two-door sedans. Amen!